Family Causing Troble in the Waters

Why does everyone insist on changing the definition of family on an ongoing basis? And by this I'm not talking about changing the definition from the traditional (mom, dad and kids) but changing how 'extended' family or good friends of the family are included in a person's family.

Since mom died, I was never from the 'traditional' family. So I've always had to have a mixture of blood relatives and good friends who filled in as members of my caring family, especially those who have skills that some of my immediate family just don't have or use. Growing up a lot of these people were from my church and some of them were my neighbours and friends as I got older. All of them have had various roles over the years and usually these would just change naturally as time went on. But there have been times when it's more of an abrupt change of role. Here today, gone tomorow, whether or not they come out and say it when the shift first occurs or if it is discussed much later after everyone has figured it out on their own.

I'm totally grateful for all of my friends and family, especially those who have stuck by me in whatever capacity they could manage during my experience of these troubled waters. Sometimes it feels likethe waters get even rougher when I have to shift my expectations of people or things just don't work out the way I want them to. I know it's all part of life but it makes life fuckin' hard some days. It makes for my bad days, my sad days, my depresed days, my low engergy days, my feeling like shit and don't even want to put up with anything anymore days.

I cried and screemed tonight. And prayed asking God, where are you in this? Over and over again. Confused. Confused because I don't understand why a Godbearer would treat anyone like this. As I calmed down, I realised that God's grace is in my survival and my use of tools to get through these shitty times. I called a friend, then my counsellor, then my sister and I ate Baskin Robin's Peanut Butter and Chocolate ice cream. And then I cried some more. I'm just sad. I'm trying to remind myself that I do believe that God will not abandon me as I read in 1st Corinthians at bible study this week. I just don't like that God can't make this life any less painful then what it is. Life abundandt my ass...

I know that a few of the people from my church, my colleagues (who are friends of mine) in ministry and key support people (who are committed to this role), are there for me. They have been there for me all along, particularly in the last 4 months. So I'm trying to convince myself that just because I work for the church doesn't mean I can't include some of the people from my church as friends/family/support people. And if that's the case then I'm really wondering what my point in being is. Obviously my congregational members will not hold this role, but my colleagues that I have right now willingly support me and are generally concerned for my well-being. If serving in the church as ministry personell really means that I can't have any of these kinds of people in this role, then I can't work in the church. And yet I know that's where I fit. So if I shouldn't be working there and I can't have those people around me as supporters, then really what would be the point of anything.

I know and understand in my heart somewhat that I can't control the actions of others but it is still really hard for me to not let those actions affect me.

People confuse me. I hurt.

The Inner Conflict

I don't usually quote scripture on this page, but I really struggled with how this one applies to me this past week and again in a discussion at church today.

The Inner Coflict
14 For we know that the law is spiritual; but I am of the flesh, sold into slavery under sin. 15 I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. 17 But in fact it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. 21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do what is good, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God in my inmost self, 23 but I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind, making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans: 7: 14-25)

Inner conflict, demon, devil, controlling parent, whatever you want to call it, it makes me feel awful. I realise that the point of the passage is that regardless of what our human conflict is that we face within ourselves that God's grace is upon us through Jesus Christ. And that it is an example of the change from the old way to the new way as described by Paul. But for me this really pulls on the inner conflict that I know I am experiencing for a long time. I understand that not eating enough is bad for any human being and that it hurts me. I just don't get it. I don't get why I need to change or think about changing my eating habbits or behaviour or thoughts about food. It all seems to be working alright for me. And in a sense this scripture gives me permission to treat my body in a poor or sinful way because I am forgiven. It's so confusing, I even confuse my self because I know that this isn't a good way to interpret this scripture. I had already acknowleged that there is a part of me that is "a contrlling parent" or a demon that I allow to dictate my eating. I'm not strong enough to stand up to this. And it always shakes it's finger at me, blaming me, shaming me, for everything that I do, everything that I eat and whatever I weigh.

And strangers just add to the confusion when I have experiences like this...
Today I found myself in a bathing suit store. oh it was awful. when i walked in the sales womyn cornered me and had me trying things on...arrrgh. she must have been bored. i told her i was just looking and then she started asking questions like what kind of bathing suit was the one you bought last, and I told a one piece that was a size 10...she couldn't believe it (I thought O God, here we go). Then I tried some on...feeling completely self-consious and she had to get me a different size and then she makes a comment like, oh you're so lucky you're so petite and thin that they all look good on you. I thanked her. How great was that! she totally complemented me on my size! When I looked in the mirror though I knew that she wasn't really telling the truth and that I'm fat and that I need to loose more weight. My legs just looked huge and my stomach and my back. I didn't want to disagree with her so I gratefully accepted her compliment.

Her encouragement fed the controlling parent in me. Even though I ate a sandwich for dinner, I know I shouldn't have. But before that I had only taken in 490 calories today. I'm scared to get on the scale because I know that I've gained at least 1.5 pounds today. This morning I felt so good because I had lost 3 pounds since last week, and now there's that overpowering part of me saying that I screwed up royally today because I ate so much for dinner (even though logically I know I still had less than 1000 calories today).

Has the water become soemthing that is controlling me? Before I felt like I had no control over it and it represented everything that I couldn't control and it freaked me out. Is this inner parent like the water, taking control of me? It feels a lot more powerful then I really am. I don't even think I can ever shut the "parent " out.

Patterns in the Water

Unless a change is made people will continue to follow their same old patterns. This blog is filled with my patterns, reading back on my previous entries I can tell that change is difficult to move through. And patterns of family communication (or lack there of), grief, life, death, eating (or lace there of), depression and self-harm are more or less controlling my life.

The Samaritan womyn at the well drew water daily using the same jug, even if it had a crack in it. Many people in the world are continuing to drink dirty and contaminated water because that's all they access to or that's all we allow them to have access to. Because of our patterns in the developed world, keeping our wealth to ourselves and focusing on keeping the developing world in debt, they will never be able to change. Unless somewhere, somehow they find the strength to stand up to the powers, which rule the developed world. I can't believe that it was 3 years ago that the US invaded Iraq. Has this really accomplished what the people in the western world wanted? Or those in the middle-eastern world?

I heard a story today in the sermon at church of a man whom years ago decided to change the pattern in his family. He didn't want to keep drinking the contaminated water, or need to carry the water in the cracked jug like the others before him had. There was a 4 generation history of suicide in his family, with the most recent being one of his nephews and going all the way back to his great-grandfather. He decided when he reached the age that his father committed suicide at that he didn't want to deal with his depression in the same way. He wanted to change the system, change the pattern of his family. And his reason for doing so was his daughters. He must have ultimately found value in his decision for himself as well, but what started him on his healing journey was the understanding and feeling of what could happen to his daughters if he took his own life.

This week I realized that my entire family is really bad at communicating. Ok, well, I actually already knew that, but there was another example. My aunt has cancer, she found out last May and had sugary and treatment for bowel cancer at that time. Including 5 months of Chemo. On March 15th, my dad got a phone call from my uncle to tell him that she had sugary on her kidney because there was cancer found there. They didn't want to tell my dad before the surgery was done because they didn't want him to worry, so my aunt made my uncle not call call dad before. Piss me off! I am so fuckin' worried about my aunt. It's so not a good sign that the cancer spread to her kidney. I don't want her to die, she is really the only womyn left in that generation of my family who knows anything about me and my mom. So they keep stuff from my dad and then he freaks out, gets angry, because he doesn't show that he's sad or upset and I have to live in the house that holds his anger and frustration.

I know that I've done the same thing as my aunt. I haven't told dad about my depression, that I'm still grieving the loss of mom, that there are reasons that I'm discovering around why I don't eat, and that I think he has tried to avoid everything to do with his grief and mom. Not to mention that I don't like the fact that he isn't visiting his mother more often now that it has become obvious to her nursing staff that she is slowly dying in front of their eyes. Piss me off, he has the privilege of being 70 and still having his mom alive, and he doesn't hardly acknowledge that she's still here. I get that there is a pattern, my sister figured that out too like 10 years ago. She says that even though she was encouraged to tell stuff to dad, she didn't because he's old. And I agree with her. But I kind of wonder how will the pattern change since we both see the pattern but we aren't changing it with dad, we've only changed it with each other. Will it be good enough that it's different for future generations? Will that stop the problems with food and depression and avoidance?

I try so hard to control my weight and I'm getting pretty good at it. When I realize that I've gained 3 pounds, I know how I can loose those pounds based on what I eat. This morning when I got on the scale I had lost 2 pounds, it was such a great feeling! (I know that it made for the start of a good day.) I'm still not where I was 3 weeks ago, a couple of pounds to go. I can't bring myself to stop the eating pattern that I have. I'm just not thin enough to do so. It makes me sad to write that and to know that's how I feel. Because I know that logically it doesn't make any sense. And that my friends probably have a better understanding of what I look like and my size really is than I do.

The Samaritan womyn at the well changed her pattern after her conversation with Jesus. During which he told her of the living water which he could provide her with so that she would never be thirsty again. I am trying to strengthen my confidence in Christ, to trust that with Christ I don't need to follow my coping patterns but that is really hard to do. It's my struggle. But I know that it is also what is keeping me from drowning while I sink in these troubled waters.

International Womyn's Day

Standing in the waters on this International Womyn's Day I feel like I've let down everyone. I have advocated for womyn in Afganistan today, and spread the word what today is, but I have not been nice to myself. On this day of celebrating the gifts of womyn and strives that we continue to make towards equal rights, I have not treated myself with respect that I give others.

I'm feeling really fat as this day ends. I ate way too much today. And as a result I feel more upset then I was earlier in the day/evening. I gained 1.5 pounds today and pray that they are gone sooner rather then later. And I look so awful because of this.

It seems like people keep dying on me. Logically I know that this has nothing to do with me, people just die for various reasons. But emotionally it feels like they don't want to be in my life anymore, like I did something that made them leave or that I deserve the pain of greif (over and over and over again). My last surviving grandparent, my grandma, is not doing well. She's really old, has live a long 102 year life, and her body is not functioning as well as it used to. She needs more nursing care, basically all day, than what her senior's home is able to provide. I'm feeling sad knowing that she's near the end of her life. We have no idea when she will die or how much longer she has, but it's been obvious to the staff that she's become quite worse since the fall.

I think I was trying to make myself feel better by eating when I was with a friend for dinner, because it was in my face that that was what I was supposed to do. Even though I really just wanted Starbucks. And now I'm stuck with this food in me. That is hurting me, not making me feel better about anything, but making me feel worse. I will never be able to lose the weight that I want to lose, I'm so frustrated. And mad at myself.

Is a part of me sinking the rest of me?

I've been thinking a lot about a dream that I had a week ago (while I was on retreat), and I think that it is showing me that there are inner parts of me in conflict with each other, causing one to sink. The dream involved a person trying to convince me to kill 2 other people (all of whom I know a little) and I considered it in the dream and was quite worried what would happen if I didn't follow through and do what I was asked to do. Before the dream ended, I had decided not to kill the people and saw them leave for a vacation. I woke up from the dream before the other person could tell me what they thought of this decision.

The person who wanted me to kill, is a real person, in real life. In my opinion he is someone who I think is controlling, has an ego (but tries not to acknowledge it), lives in his own little world and many people think of him as a celebrity. I don't know him well by any means but I have an impression that as wise as he is, he doesn't always share his wisdom with confidence and seems scared of how people may react. For this to be in my dream, I realize that it's more about me then it is anyone else. A part of me is controlling, is being egotistical, is in a separate world, is seemingly wise, somewhat annoying and yet the rest me looks up this.

And then there are the two people who I was supposed to kill in the dream. These two are a couple that I know. They are older, opinionated, caring, hard working, aggressive, controlling, and want things done their way even if another way may be preferred or is better. Often these people have pissed me off but they always apologize and let it be water under the bridge. This couple has never met the person in my dream in real life. I wonder if this is part of me that seems to be "older" or is in some way weaker physically, even though it is still caring, opinionated and hard working. So this part within me that is somehow threatened by the other. I don't understand this. In fact I find it totally confusing.

The other key character in the dream is me. I felt caught in between the couple and the other person. Not knowing what to do because I didn't want to disappoint either of them. I was guilt ridden. The couple seemed glad to be leaving on their vacation, I don't know if they suspected that they would be the victims of murder or if they had no idea what was supposed to happen and what could have happened. I felt sad to see them leave, and I was worried about informing the other person that I didn't do it.

How can I possible line these up? Am I supposed to? Or is one of these characters actually a "demon"? I guess this might somehow tie into my grief, eating disorder, self-esteem/not having self-value, but that's really hard to figure out. If there are so many different parts to me, how do I really know who I am? How am I supposed to tell which part is meant to get out of the water and which ones are to be left behind? Or are all of my parts meant to come out of the water, out of trouble, onto safe and solid land?