A bad moment...will it become a bad day?

Am I just lazy tonight or am I beginning a bad day before I even go to sleep? I can't bring myself to do anything, I laid on the couch for 2 hours after I got home before I read any emails from the day. I don't want to be bothered doing dishes that are piling up or take out the garbage.

I made myself eat a muffin tonight that I was forced to buy this morning. And even though I realise that I should eat more because I only had lattes, coffee and tea through out the day, I just don't feel like it. I know that I should have my supplement but I can't be bothered. I cried for the littlest thing that happened 3 weeks ago but surfaced in my mind.

And to top it all off the cat puked in 3 different rooms tonight. I love cleaning up cat puke when I already feel like shit. Thanks for that stupid fucking cat!

I'm praying that tomorow will be an alright day.

The scale says I weigh a little less than I did but I still look fat.

losing control

food is not my friend. i stopped taking my supplement and vitamins/nutrient pills weeks ago. i don't think that was a good idea. i only stopped because i was being lazy. but it's not like i've been eating any better than i had been. it means that i end up eating crap, looking fat, and treating myself badly because of it. my weight has pretty much stayed the same, i haven't lost any and there are a couple of pounds that fluctuate (piss me off). logically i know that i'm not getting the right nutrition, which is a bad thing when i purge. i guess i should make it a goal to have my supplement every day and start to take the vitamins. pain in the ass.

work is stressful. i'm getting the sense that the committee from hell may need to revisit the report that they did because of feedback that they're receiving from the congregation. i don't know if i can handle much more of them, especially when they should have paid more attention to what i was saying rather than always trying to shut me up. i think that the Spirit was guiding what i was saying since other people are making the same suggestions now. at the same time it makes me feel like shit because obviously i wasn't strong enough to get my point across to the committee for them to take me serious. i also think that the committee doesn't really know what everyone else wants, and i don't think there is consensus amongst their community either.

Sinking deep into a sea of depression

I've been pretty depressed for the past week. Basically every time that I have 3o minutes or more to myself without something to distract me, I start to cry. Like every time I drive out of White Rock, I cry. When I wake up in the morning, I don't want to get out of bed -even if I've slept for over 9.5 hours. I feel like shit. I am shit.

I guess I never thought about what it would be like to be ministering in a church and then live with the impending transition of what will be. This bloody needs assesment could have me with out a position at my church or it could be that my position is reduced in hours. I'm not sure how to handle this. Of course there are many logical perspectives that can be taken...although my logic and my emotional side are not lining up at all these days (go figure). So at this point they are only suggestions that friends have given.
1. I have no control over what is going to happen, so I should just wait and see.
2. If my position is reduced just a few hours it won't be the end of the world.
3. This is a sign that I should be moving on from First.
4. It's just a job and there are jobs outside of the church that I can work in.
5. First is not a church where youth ministry will flourish, is there a better way to do youth ministry?

So yes those are all logical views to take in this situation. But I can't accept any of them. I feel like my work is being judged. That I am being judged. That I haven't lived upto the expectations laid out for me. I'm learning how to deal with the feeling that my church family doesn't want me serving them anymore. Which makes me think that they don't like me, that they were just using me, that they were lying to me, and that whatever connection I have made with them has been fake.

I feel like I have failed. I have failed at bringing more youth to Jesus and to the church. I have failed myself. I have failed the church. I am a failure.

It doesn't help that I didn't have any pre-teens show up for jr. youth tonight (they all had basketball and hockey). While the church is in a time of crisis the famillies pull away. I feel like quitting before they let me go. I don't feel like I belong.

I'm trying to make sure that I eat everyday, and friends are helping me do that. But I already look fat so this doesn't help any. I looked at the pictures from the wedding in december, and my arms, legs, neck, face, hips, stomach, basically my whole body looks fat. Especially next to Nicki who is so freakin' skinny. And now I have to go to the reception for her wedding this weekend...great I get to look fat infront of everyone all over again. excellent. I don't want to go but I bought a new outfit and shoes, so I'm going.

I hate not having control.

Can life get any worse?

I can't sleep. I slept for maybe 5 hours and I'm awake. After the day from hell yesturday, I guess I can't calm down enough to rest.

I've been feeling inadequate at work with the sense that I can't do anything right, that I am not accomplishing what I need to be and that there isn't really much point in any of the work that I'm trying to do. It's not going to make a difference anyways. This is all stemming from feeling really depressed on Saturday after the memorial service. I get that, but even though I realised what brought out these feelings again doesn't mean I can just make them go away. (wish I could.)

To make things that much worse I found out on Tuesday morning that my congregation is entering a Needs Assesment. Why don't I just quit now? They can't afford all of the staff that they have. And I know that they are going to cut back on my position. It fucking sucks! well I don't know that for sure, I won't know for 6 months. I feel so stupid, how could I possibley think that I would be able to stay in this youth ministry position at First for a good amount of time and then leave it for another person to come into it? Obviously I havent' accomplished enough in the congregation. Why do I even bother? What is the point of trying to get youth to come to a meeting and then when they don't show up, I have to let people know that no one came. There were 7 youth at church on Sunday and it probably looked like there isn't anything for them because I don't have the calendar printed yet. And there was only 1 child there, most of our regular families were off skiing. This kind of thing is not helping.

I realise that moving to White Rock was me needing to get out of Dad's house and not live in Abbotsford anymore. but at the same time I focused on White Rock when finding a condo because I work for the church out here. And now in a few months I could find myself living 4 blocks away from a church that can't afford to employ me and that essentially doesn't want me around. What did I do to deserve this?

All that and I'm starting a theology course today. A course that I'm taking as my study leave this year for my position at the church. This is so not encouraging. Why the hell should I be bothering to take continuing education for a position that doesn't even want me.

I realise that I'm taking all of this personally and that I shouldn't be. It's not about me its about the budget of the church. I was the last staff person they hired 3.5 years ago. I feel like it's because of me that their budget is in a deficit.

Not to mention that yesturday I realised that we screwed up our shipping of our RFP in that we only sent 3 hard copies (3- 2" binders) in the package with the courier and we were now being requested to send 4. Fuck. What if they don't like the fact that the binders are arriving in different packages? This could be the deciding factor that we don't get the grant, if there was other really good RFPs that arrived all in the same package.

So basically 3-6 months from now, I could be working a total of 8 hours a week in Abbotsford. While I live in my White Rock condo and I'll need to figure out a way to pay my mortgage and other bills. How the fuck is this fair? Why is God letting all this shit happen to me? I'm totally worthless.

Sick again

I'm sick again. My voice comes and goes, one moment it will be fine and then half an hour later I won't be able to talk hardly at all. And I have a stupid cough. I was just sick a month ago! What's going on? This sucks.

I've decided that working with stupid fucking people (I guess it's really stupid fucking artists) is detrimental to my health. She pisses me off. I think she has worked for too many years unsupervised and as a result she doesn't know how to let someone oversee her work, doesn't like it, and will only challenge it. I don't even know if she realises what a pain in the ass she is being. We had a huge conversation about her working overtime and meeting deadlines and then I receive an email on Sunday from her saying she is going to continue to work extra hours and has decided to donate them all to the agency as volunteer hours, she can do that but the point is is that she isn't taking any coordination and she's being completely disrespectful to me. She really is a stupid fucking artist. I don't think she understands how to work a job that is paid hourly. And thus I don't think she has actually worked the number of hours that she is saying she has. My expectations of someone who is obviously in her 50s, (she has said she is and she has 3 kids (2 in their 20s and one in grade 12) but won't tell any of us how old she really is, have been way to high. She has made my job that much harder. She will not be back next year.

Blame It On the Rain

When I was driving home in yet another wind and rain storm, I was thinking about all the stressful and somewhat shitty things that came up today. One friend is totally pissed off at another, and the other doesn't understand why, even though it totally makes sense to me. I'm caught in the middle without the second one even knowing what a big deal it all is. I try to be so careful around these people so that I don't piss them off because I know that they talk about me behind my back and they don't like some of the thing I say. When really they are allowed to say whatever the fuck they want. It reminds me a lot of high school.

I received another email today with a person's name in the subject line and a frowning face. Keith Jackson, former cook at Cultus Lake United Church Camp, died on Christmas day. He had some quorks that were kind of annoying but he was one of the best cooks we ever had at camp. He always kept a jar of werthers carmel candies on the counter in the kitchen for staff, counsellors, and even campers at times when they would stop by to say hello to the cooks. I knew that he had been very ill and he was a senior. It just sucks to hear of another person who died.

The memorial for Robyn's dad, Stan Green, is happening a week from today. I want to go to the service. Even though it will be hard, I think it's important for me to go. Partly because I totally remember him being around Gladwin on occasion, he was one of the Dads that wasn't there nearly as much as the mom. Also because I want to show my support for Robyn, Sean (her brother) and Jan (her mom). Jan was always so friendly towards me when I went to Gladwin. And I also think that this is one of the ways that I can support Robyn, by going to the service. Especially since there isn't much I can do to help her, I can't take away the hurting pain that she is probably feeling constantly through out her heart, stomach and body, and I can't bring back her dad.

A friend invited me over for a margaritta after work today and I said that I would stop by. When I got there her husband treated me like shit, as if he really didn't want me around because he doesn't like me. It's so hard to spend time with them because I lead a completely different life. She went on and on about how clean her house was today, and ya it was tidier and vaccumed better than it usually is but the way her house is kept reminds me of the way Dad's was when I was growing up...never really organized or clean. There's a difference between a little clutter like everyone has on a counter or table, etc. And then there's the actual house where things seem dirty and you don't want to walk bare foot on the carpet and wonder where you can walk with out stepping on a toy or garbage. And her husband reffered to me as being a free-loader, that I was there to drink their pop and eat their food! Fuck that! I was there because I was invited. And I was only eating some chips because she wouldn't give up on me taking some until I did. The stupid fucking thing about this is that they know about my issues with food. So wouldn't they think a little before saying anything like that? I guess I can't really expect that of anyone.

The stress of yesturday and last night was totally affecting my body all day today. That sucked. My stomach hurt quite a bit.

At this time, I'm not even sure when my next day off is. I think it might not be until Thursday or Saturday next week. I can do it. With God's help I can get through anything, I have this far.

A Stormy Day

My day went from feeling OK, to feeling like worthless shit, to feeling remotely happy, to feeling completely stressed out, to feeling absolutely pissed off. It was almost like one of those ferry rides where it looks like it will be a calm ride, but then they announce for everyone to sit down, and the waves crash up along the side of the boat, and after your sailing they cancel the next ones because of a freakish storm. It litterally turned into a day from hell. For the most part in hindsight I know that I over-reacted to lots of things. But I can't help the way I feel. I just have to put up with it and deal with it. I was so angry at a meeting that I was picturing arrowheads darting into the eyes of one of the womyn at the meeting. It was awful. With so much work on my to do lists for both jobs I just feel like I can't get it all done, yet at the same time I so excited about all of the things that I get to do...I love my work, honestly I really enjoy it. I just get stressed out by it.

And now it's 1:16am and I'm totally awake. So I'll be starting my Friday tired and drained. Which I know will lower the chances of it being a good day. That's just what happens.

Such a shitty day

Today was not a very good day. I've been so tired and feeling weak all day.

The holidays have taken a lot out of me and continue to do so. Memories of mom and being reminded of the never-ending pain of life without her have drained me of most of the life within me. Being treated as though I am the baby of the family still continues in some ways even though I have a 19 month old neice. Seeing my sisters mother-in-law interact with her sons and my sister really affected me. I don't like that all of them (including my sister) refer to her as "mommy". That womyn has never been patronizing to me, like other womyn who are much older than me have. But at the same time she sees me only as Ruth's sister. She makes rude comments about my sister all the time and about her house. And I hate the fact that it seems like she and her husband just show up at Ruth's house whenever the fuck they feel like it. This means that pretty much whenever I go over to visit they just happen to be there as well. That has been happening since they lived in Calgary and I would go to visit about once a year.

Dad has just been a total pain in the ass today. Making stupid comments about what mail I recieved at his house. And not to mention getting upset and making me feel like a complete idiot because I forgot the tin of tarts that I had packed up from his freezer last night. He baked the tarts at the beginning of December some time, didn't tell me they were there and put them in the freezer. Not so bad if he had actually put them in tupperware or covered them before they went in the freezer, but no he just put the whole fucking cookie sheet in the freezer with the tarts on them! What the hell? So the tarts are rejected. He is a difficult man to care about.

Work was so completely frustrating. I can't even begin.

And I've had a headache all fucking day. It probably doesn't help that all I've eaten is a mocha, a latte, 2 suckers, some chips, a banana and some cashews. At best that might be 900 calories. Real food might have made a difference but in remembering the stomach pain I felt for the past 3 days after eating what other people were eating so I felt like I was fitting in, I can't make myself eat.

One of the youth who I worked with in Abbotsford just lost her dad to cancer. I've stayed in touch with her through msn and chatted with her last night about it. I feel so bad for her. Especially since I can't take away the pain I know she is feeling and because I know that no one in the world will ever be able to understand exactly how she's feeling (including me).

I hope tomorrow isn't as bad as today was.